I've been thinking a lot lately about purpose. I'm in a transition period right now, having finished my residency and beginning to do work as a staff chaplain on a casual basis at the same hospital, while also waiting to see what will unfold at another hospital, and as always, waiting for call to a parish. Waiting waiting waiting waiting! This much waiting could drive a person crazy, and I'll admit that it's not the easiest thing to do. With my husband wondering what will become of my formerly very regular paychecks, and finding myself with large chunks of time away from work, there is a sense of "when will my life begin?" (I may or may not have been watching Tangled this weekend...)
This job search and creation and discernment process has been going on for months now, but today I had what one might consider a moment of zen about it. It happened while I was home doing errands, cleaning my house, hanging out with the dog, and chatting periodically with my husband throughout. A year ago, this day would have made me anxious as hell. I would have been lonely, texting people to hang out, filling every second with something in order to give myself a sense of purpose. And I did keep busy, but I also had plenty of moments not filled with Things or Plans or Goings On, and really, I was all right. I was actually content.
Three years ago, I was stuck in a small town and having a hard time feeling like my existence made much of a difference in the world. Every moment I was not doing something or speaking to someone made me want to cry because I just felt so directionless. My purpose, which as a student and volunteer and worker had always been so external, had all been shifted and turned upside down, leaving me mostly with me, and that's scary. Because when the purpose is only external, any threats or changes to that threatens who I am. Today I realized that I have learned to carry my purpose around with me, and it's something much broader just than my work as a minister or my role as a wife or friend or whatever. My purpose is, quite simply as Christ says: "Love one another as I have loved you.
Today, that purpose meant spending an hour mating loose socks from the bottom of the closet, and sorting out all the shirts and boxers with holes in them, and carefully putting the clothes P wears most on the top of the various piles so he has easy access to them. I could have organized my half of the closet and left his a disaster, because let's be honest it will be a disaster again pretty soon. But it was a service done out of love, the same as the love it takes to become covered in impossible to remove white hairballs from brushing our husky, or the love that compels me to show up and bear the stories of people struggling with drugs, alcohol, trauma, illness, and death. It's Christ's love, given so freely to me, that defines who I am and gives purpose to every breath.
Because of that, we don't have to doubt so much when our roles aren't clearly defined, or when life is shifting underneath us like sand. We can carry forward knowing grace and hope and new life are within us re-creating us and molding us more closely into God's image. We don't have to be measured by our doing, but by God's. My sage advice for today is to not fear the what ifs and I don't knows and what nows, but to breathe in the love of God that surpasses all understanding and rest in it, knowing your life and work and parenting and friendships and house cleaning and errands and unemployment and everything else are all defined by how beloved you are, making your purpose in any and every situation as simple as being overtaken by grace and so that it flows into the world through you.
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